Caddyshack Earthquake

A major earthquake struck the D.C. area on Tuesday afternoon, striking fear in residents and forcing the evacuation of government buildings, including the White House, Pentagon and Capitol, and shaking homes and structures up and down the East Coast.  President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".  Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.  Conservatives, however, have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

Not to worry President Obama was golfing Tuesday as an earthquake rolled across the Eastern Seaboard.  I’m sure that the President and his golfing buddies did exactly what every group of guys golfing at the time would do and launch into Caddyshack lines.  I can see Obama’s putt sitting there at the edge of the cup, just like at the end of Caddyshack when the earthquake hit.

Judge Smails (Obama): "You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself."
Ty: Don't sell yourself short, Barack. You're a tremendous slouch."

CarlSpackler (Obama): "Cinderella boy. Outta nowhere. A former Acorn worker now about to become the President. It looks like a mirac...

Carl(Obama): "A President, you know, a Commander and Chief, a President, a Pres. So, I tell them I'm a Pres & Jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald ... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a 10,000-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. The ball was lower than my economy.  Do you know what the Lama says? 'Gunga galunga .... gunga, gunga-lagunga.' So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you mess up, at your press conference, your supporters will lose total consciousness and blame Bush.' So I got that going for me, which is nice." 

Al Czervik: "Oh, this is the worst-looking economy I ever saw. When you run an economy like this, I bet you can’t even get a bowl of soup, huh?  Oh, but it looks good on you, Barack."

Carl Spackler (Obama): License to kill economy’s by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill the economy at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is the Tea Party. And the Tea party will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Tea Cong.

Carl Spackler (Obama): Oh Nancy Pelosi, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your plastic face around my...

Judge Smails (Obama): Don't you people have jobs?

Spaulding (Obama): I want a Stimulus. No, a bigger stimulus. I want Cash for Clunkers. I want a health care takeover. I want higher taxes
[gets cut off by Judge Smails (the Tea Party)]
Judge Smails (Boehner): You'll get nothing, and like it!

Ty Webb: Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.

Cousin Eddie/Obama

I almost walked away from writing about Obama’s bus tour, it seemed too easy.  The President builds a bus, oops sorry the Canadians build a bus that I’m sure is not fuel efficient and he left Air Force One and the Limo at home to hop in the RV.  That’s when it hit me; Barack Obama is Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies.  Yep, Clark that there is an RV, I live in it now.  I gave the Chinese everything and the Canadians gave me this tenement on wheels.  I think they are calling it Greyhound One.  The similarities between the two don’t just end at the RV.  I think Obama could have easily stepped into the role of Cousin Eddie.

The original Vacation movie, where Cousin Eddie first appeared, seems to be like Obama’s campaign and first year.  We were living the good life in America, just like the Griswold’s.  I think it’s kind of funny that the Griswold’s were heading from Chicago to Wally world or in this case Obama heading from Chicago to Washington, which is sometimes referred to as Wally World.  Along the way, just like the Griswold’s, we lost money (the economy collapsed), jumped an old American beater off a cliff, (The auto bailout) and picked up Aunt Edna along the way along with her dog (2 wars soon to be three) Aunt Edna brought along her medical problems, (Obama care) and her social security (social security).  If you remember the movie, Aunt Edna was picked up at Cousin Eddie’s house. 

We all remember Cousin Eddie from the first movie.  He was the fun likable guy who never really seemed to get down and had a great plan of how he was going to make it rich one day.  Cousin Barack/Eddie needed to borrow some money from us; just until he was able to get his plan in motion.  We give Cousin Eddie the money and take Aunt Edna with us who dies along the way leaving it up to us to deal with her.  Then when we finally make it to Wally World all the rides and fun are closed!  We then blame the rich Roy Wally for all our problems along the way and forget how Cousin Barack/Eddie helped us into this mess.  We even punch a moose in the nose for all of our frustrations.  A moose named Marty should have been called Sarah.  Ultimately the evil rich Roy Wally drops the charges and opens up his park for some good old fashion family fun, no thanks to Cousin Barack/Eddie.

The next movie was European Vacation, Cousin Eddie was not in this movie but Cousin Barack could have been easily in this movie.  Let’s take a look at Cousin Barack’s European Vacation.  First, we bow to foreign heads of state creating several awkward moments; I could see Cousin Eddie bowing to a door man in London.  Then, Cousin Barack signs the wrong year on the guest book. gets his car stuck in Ireland and then completely screws up the toast to the queen.  Maybe if the writers of European Vacation had Cousin Obama the movie would have been a success. “Hey Kids Look Big Ben Parliament!”  Sorry, had to throw out the only line from the movie worth repeating.

Now just to go a bit out of order here, we’ll take Vegas Vacation next.  Cousin Eddie/Barack meets us in Vegas but then kills off business by telling corporate America to stay away.  Once again, the American people, (The Griswold’s) loose all our money in the Vegas economy and Cousin Eddie/Barack takes us to the not so well known casinos to play some strange games with little to no chance of getting our money back.  Sounds a lot like Cash for Clunkers and the Stimulus program. 

The last movie is Christmas Vacation.  The Griswolds (American People) have gone over the top with the decorations and why not Clark has worked very hard at his job inventing the crunch enhancer.  Suddenly, Cousin Eddie/Barack shows up in a goofy looking RV.  Cousin Eddie/Barack has nothing left “Gas money give out in Gurnee” and Cousin Eddie/Barack tells us not to fall in love with the beast of an RV because they are taking it with them when they leave there next month (2012).  This time we go along with Cousin Eddie/Barack and blame our rich boss for all our problems.  Cousin Eddie/Barack ties up the rich boss, brings him to our house while kicking him in the butt.  Once again we blame the rich guy but not Cousin Eddie/Barack for all our problems.  In the movie it all works out as Clark gets the money and not the membership to the jelly of the month club but in real life we would simply be fired and left with cousin Eddie/Barack.

I think the final and most appropriate comparison is the scene in Christmas Vacation where Cousin Eddie/Barack is standing in the street behind the RV yelling “Shitter’s full”.

The Tea Party UNION?

I have had more discussions about the Tea Party the past few days’ then tea dumped in the harbor.  I’m just simply amazed at the extreme stories that surround the Tea Party.  I’ve heard it all from the Tea Party is dead to the Tea Party is killing America.  Funny the more the left tries to kill the Tea Party the stronger it gets.  The Tea Party is like a strange creature that only gets stronger, the more hate you throw at it.

I can only laugh at those who think if they just keep saying the Tea Party is dead that somehow the Tea Party will believe it.  The best response to those who claim that the Tea Party is dead is to quote Mark Twain, “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”  Now I will admit in the light of the recent debt crisis the death talk has almost died itself, of course there are those that blame the Tea Party and say that it’s still dying.  Those are the people I love to point out their contradiction to and then if they still don’t understand I send them for help.

“I don’t care what the F@#*ing S&P report says!” was the response of a guy who was determined to blame the downgrade on the Tea Party.  I was actually speechless and did not know what to say.  I simply apologized to him and said sorry I guess S&P got their own report wrong and I’ll call them to let them know they should have blamed it on the Tea Party.

I have delighted in hearing different analogies of the Tea Party blame game.  Andre Breitbart had one of the best on his Twitter feed “Blaming the Tea Party is like blaming the booing fans at Wrigley for a bad Cubs team.”  Rand Paul then said “Blaming the Tea Party is like blaming the firemen for the fire.”  Rand Paul then had the best retort to those who want to blame the Tea Party.  Keep it in perspective the Tea Party is the minority of the minority party in Washington.  That would make the Tea Party like Joe Scarborough, a conservative in the MSNBC liberal sea of hate.

One of my favorite Tea Party politicians is Marco Rubio who said “We need more taxpayers, not more taxes” Not only do I love this quote but it has been haunting my thoughts.  Recently, as I listened to a union discussion, it hit me.  It was a light bulb over the head moment.  A thought that was so clear it was sure to bother both folks on the left and the right.  The Government should run more like a union.  WHAT?  I know, but allow me to explain.  The discussion I heard was a union that was down in this bad economy and the discussion was how they were going to stay afloat. The discussion was not about increasing members dues, if they did that the membership would throw the union officials out.  They began talking about how to get more guys jobs and what other services they could provide clients to keep men on the job.  The union had it all figured out, more members means more guys paying dues.  You may be a bit confused right now but just think of union members as the taxpayers and the government as the union hall.  Now break out that argument the next time a liberal gives you the old line of tax the rich.  I’m sure you will get the confused, mouth open, I don’t know what to say for a few seconds look, they won’t want to trash a union.  The stunned silence will only last until they break out the Blame Bush! I’m not say in’ I’m just say in’ my Tea Party brothers.

Keyboard Caper

First off, let me apologize for my absence.  I know it has been awhile since my last post but my two year old decided to stimulate the economy.  Funny I think he has done more for the economy then the President and the more I think about, we could look to the children to teach us a few lessons about the economy.

I received a phone call from a friend and I got up and walked away from my laptop.  At that point my two year old, who probably felt slighted that dad just walked away from him, decided to play with the keys on the laptop and soon discovered how easily it was to pop them off with those tiny little fingers.  I could only imagine him sitting there giggling each time the button flew off and up in the air.  Usually I have been able to put the keys back on but not this time, damage had been done.  He had taken off many letters including the D key.

The removal of the D key reminds me of my favorite analogy that the President also seems to like to use.  Obama often talks about how the economy was driven into the ditch and they got it out.  I always chuckle at this analogy because just like the torn off D key you drive a car into a ditch using D but to get the car out of the ditch you use R.   I wonder if Obama thought about this when one of his limos got stuck in Ireland.

So off to my local computer shop with my laptop to see if they could fix all the missing buttons or was it time for a new laptop?  Either way I was going to start pumping a lot of money into the economy.  Not only was I getting my laptop repaired but plans were being made for the laptop destroyer’s birthday.

After dropping off my laptop for repair, I headed out to find a birthday gift.  Thomas the Train is his favorite, so I went to look for a Thomas toy.  Standing there staring at the outrageous prices of the Thomas the Train toys I could not help but wonder why we need to fund PBS.  Every time congress tries to defund PBS they drag out the Sesame Street characters to play on our heart strings.  How could you possibly defund these poor innocent Muppets that your children love?  My answer is now easy and I would parade out the Tickle me Elmo and his price tag!  Remember the Tickle me Elmo craze?  Disney World has nothing on Sesame Street, just take a moment in the toy aisle and compare prices between Disney and PBS.  At least Disney is open and honest about wanting your money.

For his birthday among other gifts we got him a sandbox and a crane style digger.  He quickly jumped up on the seat and began digging in the sand I found myself once again repeating my parents.  “Careful or you’ll dig your way down to China.” I said.  Wow how fitting just like digging in the sandbox our Government is digging the debt hole so deep that we are going to find ourselves in China.

I next ran to the grocery store and ordered a Thomas the Train cake, once again contributing to PBS, then over to the ice cream aisle.  As I stood there looking over all the choices in ice cream, I saw double chocolate and wondered if it was possible to get a double dip of double chocolate.  This then brought me to the thought that a double dip of double chocolate ice cream is great but a double dip recession isn’t great.

I arrived home to the message that it would only cost me close to $200.00 to replace my keyboard.  I also ordered a keyboard protector, that may not stop those little hands from popping keys, but it should slow them down.  Between the keyboard repair, the slower work and giving all our money to PBS toys we have enacted our own stimulus program.  Funny how children can teach you about the economy and yet Obama still can’t figure it out.