The Ghost of Ronald Reagan

I wish I was a liberal; my life would be so much easier.  I have to admit this thought seems to cross my mind more and more.  Yes when I think about it I get a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat.  I also would have to get a lobotomy to stop thinking rationally but I can’t help but wonder would it all be worth it?

I work as a union television cameraman in Chicago, so I work for the liberal media.  When I’m not in the liberal media I’m working with artists and actors who very rarely if ever have conservative views.  The other part of my job entails working big corporate meetings with union guys who complain about the rich corporations who have just hired their union to do a meeting for them.  Trust me my head wants to explode at the irony of it all.  On a daily bases to keep my job and my sanity I’m forced to shut off my mind.  I do have some allies who are in the same predicament and if one of them is working with me I simply look over hold my hand to the side of my head and turn the key off.  It truly is the only way to survive the liberal jungle in which I work.

Why can’t I think more like them?  If I did, would I see rainbows and dancing unicorns in a green meadow?   Would I see the money fountain that they see?  I have to admit the conservative way seems a lot harder.  If I have a problem, I would love for the government to swoop down and fix it with no cost to me.  I want my free Mac and an I Pad that Jesse Jackson Jr. wants to give me.  I’m shocked the Founding Fathers did not put that in the constitution.  I want to walk up to guys like Rich Uncle Pennybags from the Monopoly game and have them hand me money because I just passed Go and they have too much and I want some.  It’s like the world would be filled with Santa Claus’s handing out candy canes of happiness to all of his socialized worker elves.  I want to turn that key on my head and leave it off. 

I was outed a few years ago by an e mail that I sent out to a bunch of friends and co workers and one of them responded making fun of my conservative values.  Just by accidently hitting reply all on the email everyone suddenly knew that I had voted for George W. Bush.  My inbox was lit up with letters asking if it was true and how could this be; come on you can’t be serious you seem so nice.  I was now the ugly, angry beast the media has painted us to be; yep the same liberal media that employs me.  The easy thing to do would have been to deny the whole thing but I was not going to turn my back on my values or my conservative friends.  I stood up and took the ribbing, the jokes and eventually the shunning from people.

I’ve heard that gay conservatives think it’s harder to come out as a conservative than as a gay.  I cannot say for sure but I think it would have been easier for me.  I don’t like to hunt, fish or even work on cars.  I do like to cook, I like to decorate for the holidays and I often rearrange the furniture in my house and have helped people do the same.  Friends have even called me Marty Stewart. I know these are just stereotypes but they fit me like a Simon Cowell t-shirt. I think I’m only missing one major component to being gay but alas I would still be a gay conservative and have to go through both outings.  To my gay conservative friends out there keep up the good fight; I know my fight pales in comparison to yours.

If I were a liberal, I could openly bash all Republicans and call anyone who disagrees with Obama a racist.  I could blame Bush for all my problems; my car won’t start and it’s all because of Bush!  I could post anything from MSNBC as fact and yell about those corrupt Fox News guys.  I would no longer worry about charities and which one I should donate to, the government would do it for me.  I would no longer have to use facts in my debates or back up my claims.  Life would be so easy.

Unfortunately I can only turn the key off for so long.  I walk out of the lion’s den of liberalism and the key seems to turn back on all by itself.  Suddenly I feel the need to take responsibility for my actions; I suddenly think Bush outside of his spending habits wasn’t that bad.  I see a guy in a nice car and I don’t automatically think “you rich scumbag I hope your enjoying my money!” instead I think “I wonder what he does for a living to afford such a nice car.  Why, Why, Why?  Can I not be more like a liberal; my life would be so much easier!  Why can I not let the government take care of me?  Why can I not just live off the scumbag rich?  Why can I not just watch MSNBC without getting irritated?  Why do I believe in capitalism?  It’s then I look over at the seat next to me and the ghost of Ronald Reagan is sitting next to me, he gives me a wink and a smile and says “Well, the trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant, but that they know so much that isn’t so.”